Tired of Grieving

Today was a rough day....In the span of the last 12 hours I have been informed about 3 separate deaths. 2 were parents of friends from my youth who both lived wonderful lives and fought valiantly against cancer. The third was the death of my cousin's son, who had not yet made it to his second birthday. He lived a life tormented by illness and pain. I admire my cousin's wife Marae, his mother, more than she will likely ever know. To me she models the Proverbs 31 woman in an incredible way. Ezra was adopted but you would never know, nor can you tell which among her many children are not her natural born. I feel so blessed to know this woman.
Today I was challenged; I was shaking my fist at God wanting to know why. Why does He take the good ones, the youngs ones, the ones I love, and leave behind, I'll clump them together as, the awful ones? I know, I know it's all in His plan. I know there are books upon books written about this subject, but at a time like this it makes you a little angry. I've faced a lot of loss and tribulation in my life recently and I'm quite frankly tired of grieving. No, make that exhausted of grieving. A year like I've had makes one have to search high and low for Joy. I've grieved the loss of countless loved ones and the most difficult, the loss of my marriage. My cousin Carl and I spoke for a while at the funeral tonight. He put the answer to my question so simply it brings me to tears. The reason the good ones go and the awful ones stay is because the good ones know God and are ready to meet Him, and God's desire is to have even the awful ones come to him. All we can hope for is that the example that the good ones show will bring about a change in the awful ones lives. Boy talk about convicting me. I have failed miserably in the "pray for my enemies" department this year. It may be one of my biggest challenges. It will likely continue to be a challenge. Thankfully God remains the same good God He always has been and always will be. He loves us even when we shake our fists and scream. He loves us when we fail miserably. He loves us when we can only offer up a "Broken Hallejah."

A hymn from tonight's service seems so appropriate:
Until Then

My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a trail that's winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for awhile;
And things of earth that cause the heart to tremble,
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

This weary world with all its toil and struggle
May take its toll of misery and strife;
The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;
When it's released, it's destined for the skies.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

Gravity

I don't think there are the right words to say why this song has me in it's grip this week. So just the lyrics...

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than
to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am
and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is
that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.

I Am Not Alone

I had tagged this song earlier on Sunday for one that might be good when I was stumped about what song to use. Little did I know it would be the exact song that would minister to my heart in the dark hour that this night became. I am lonely. There just aren't any other words for what I feel. But my Abba met me tonight in that loneliness. He wrapped me in those arms and reminded me that he has promised to not let go. I was on my way to clean my wounds, literally, I fell on the concrete tonight and wiped out a plant :( I'm praying my dad can fix the poor thing tomorrow. I was sobbing and God reminded me "I am NOT alone". Abba you are so good.

I AM NOT ALONE NATALIE GRANT

You're Here
In My Heart
You're the Light
That Guides Me Through The Dark

You Walk Beside Me
The Night Seems Cold
Each Time I Fall
Your Arms Are There To Hold

[Chorus:]You Walk Beside Me
Giving Strength I've Never Known
I Am Not Alone
You Walk Beside Me

You're Here
In My Mind
I talk To You
And All My Fears Unwind
I Know I'm Loved For who I am
You Make Me Wanna Be The Best I can

[Repeat Chorus]

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you
I am not alone

In the sun, In the rain
Through the good times and the pain
I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

[Repeat Chorus]

Welcome to Wherever You Are

So, I'm a day late and it seems a dollar short. I've been watching softball games this week. It brings me such great joy to be called Aunt by Mandie's kids. I've been trying to get some good pictures for their scrapbooks and I think I'm succeeding. :) I got home from Z's game tonight. It was under the lights at 8. Talk about tired kids and parents. This song played on my player while I was talking to a friend. I've said recently that I'm on to a new chapter in life, but I wish I could read the end. This song made me stop and realize that I'm really where I'm supposed to be. Who knew Bon Jovi could be so profound. :) I know Mandie you knew :) and yes I know you love him lol. So here it is

Welcome to Wherever You Are--Bon Jovi
Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running to our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel drowning in a shadow of the dawn
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself not what other people say
When it seems you're lost alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God's make no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far(I say welcome)
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far (welcome)

Dumbfounded

I am actually dumbfounded tonight.

I sat down at my computer to cry and looked at poem that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure where it came from or who the author is, but it is so fitting.

Help me remember, Lord,
that, like the seasons of the year
life brings continuous growth
and changes.
As long as I remember that,
I can look with expectancy
to all that lies ahead.
I can rest in the assurance
that You are in control
of the seasons of my life.
-Unknown

Whatever You're Doing

This song has kinda been my theme song since everything went crazy almost a year ago. I had so much going on in my head and no idea how to deal with even a smidgen of it by myself. God has been so good. I'm heading into a new chapter of my life. It's definitely time for healing and to move on. :)

Whatever You’re Doing
by Sanctus Real
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but I believe …

You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Fire

I can honestly say there is nothing more relaxing nothing more fun, than to sit around a fire with good friends. I had the best time tonight talking and laughing. I love the people God has placed in my life. I am so thankful for them.

Have you told those people in your life how much you appreciate them recently?

At a Loss...

I'm at a loss right now...
I'm at a loss to understand why so many people seem unhappy when I say that I'm doing really well with all of this. I'm also at a loss when they chastise me and act like I don't understand the ramifications of it. This was not my choice this was his. I know that this is not what God wants to happen with a marriage, but I do honestly believe I am continuing in HIS will for me. I didn't make the choices. I didn't want this. Therefore I believe that I can be in God's will even though I am choosing to release myself from this marriage. I believe God is in this and is walking with me through it. I believe that HE has some big things for me. I believe HE can use this for HIS glory.
I knew that when this broke people would disapprove of how I was responding to it. I know that there are people who think that divorce is wrong no matter what the circumstance. I didn't however expect to be treated like a child. I know what a marriage vow means, I took the words I said very seriously, he did not. What people do not want to hear is when I say I never had a marriage. They do not want to hear that my marriage was a fraud. That I lost him not to death, but to a disease, to selfishness, to his choices. I believe his commitment was only to let me be a live-in nurse to him. He left our marriage before it ever started. I have chosen not to go into gory details with anyone but my very closest friends. I try to express how sick he was/is and they do not want to take the time to listen and understand. This disappoints me in ways I cannot even begin to express.
I however have been blessed with people who support me in every aspect. Even a few who know me well enough to know this is a well thought out choice and must be necessary if I am heading down this miserable road. I had thought at one point that the people who have been the worst to me knew me that well. I have learned through this experience that I AM LOVED. PERIOD. There is no longer any way I can doubt that fact. I am loved by God, my family, and so many friends. God has given me some Sisters that I could not have ever picked. I AM BLESSED. God never let me believe that I wasn't HIS daughter. I never doubted HIS love for me. HIS grace has been overwhelming to me. THIS IS HOW I CAN BE DOING SO WELL. This is where my strength and my joy are coming from. This is how I can take my next breath. I am ever so greatful for those who have walked me through this when it was breath by breath, then moved to day by day, to week by week and now I am month to month and I know that with more of GOD's grace and love it will soon be year by year. :)

Whole new level...

I am frustrated on a whole new level and trying to trust God through it all.
I was so thankful to see this come across on twitter yesterday. "RT @FlowerDust: The joy of the Lord is great strength. You may feel weak. Disappointed. Uncertain. Find your strength in his joy. it's more than enough!" Wow what a promise.

I had a second appointment with my orthopedic surgeon today and I'm discouraged by what the doc had to say. It doesn't look very good no matter what way I go. I wish I'd had mom there, I think she would have had some better questions. For anyone reading who doesn't know my mother has had 6 total knee replacements.
First, We are going to continue therapy and make my leg stronger.
Second, I will see a new doctor, who's name I can't pronounce, so I'm calling him Dr. Oxymoron because he's an orthopedic surgeon who doesn't do surgery. We're going to see if he has any ideas for alternative therapies that might work for me. Dr. W wanted to try this option first because the next option is not fun.
There are a few surgical options, however only one doesn't require a lot of rehab. The easiest would be to go in arthroscopically and clean off the back of my knee cap. I'd still have to work to do in physical therapy but only really be down for a few days.I vote for this of course.
With the second more aggressive surgery he can go in and do a lateral release like he did 10 years ago. That surgery failed within 3 or 4 years, so I don't' like my odds with that.
We discussed doing the most extreme thing but also what looks like it might be most successful at this point, which is what they jokingly call a button on the back of my kneecap. True term for the surgery is a partial knee replacement. I wanted to cry. But lets not do this half-way is what I'm thinking.
So I see Dr. Oxymoron hopefully next week and see if he has any realistic ideas. If not we proceed with the not so fun route. I guess I wait and see and pray. I'm trying to be positive and then I look at mom's scars and that kinda goes down the tubes.
All in all I'm just tired and don't know how much more I can take. I had a break down last week and I honestly don't feel much better than I did then. This is a strange kind of frustrated and I just want to move on with life right now and am stalled out. I know God has big plans for me but I want them revealed now! (Stomping my feet like a 2 year-old :) Patience has never really been one of my virtues. :)
I covet prayers as I continue down this rough road. Don't worry I still know God is good. He is still my shelter in this seemingly never-ending storm. I just want a little more sunshine :)

...

post to come

Tea Party

I was a right wing radical today and loved it.

Profound Thoughts

Trauma messes everybody up but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap maybe going through all that is what keeps us going forward it's what pushes us maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.--Grey's Anatomy----Never thought I'd get a profound though from that show. :)

We serve a God who does not consult our past to determine our future. WOW!

"Shoot for the moon even if you miss you shall fall among the stars"

Maybe I can't stop the downpour, but i will always join you for a walk in the rain.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

I believe in the sun. Even if it doesn't shine. I believe in love. Even if I don't feel it. I believe in God. Even if he is silent.

Friendships born on the field of athletic strife are the real gold of competition. Awards become corroded, friends gather no dust. --Jesse Owens

I have told you this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33, NLT

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17, NLT

All the Broken Pieces Continued

So I am feeling like I should elaborate on the song I chose for yesterday. On Sunday, Pastor Ron's sermon illustrated that a woman should be treated like a precious, priceless vase. Unfortunately, sometimes we women are treated like a cheap tumbler, tossed around, thrown and worthless. I feel like the glass vase that has been dropped cracked and then finally shattered. After hearing the song and praying for the 3 hours to Canton and back, I feel like Abba's holding the pieces. He's gone into his studio and is working to put me back together, even more beautiful than before. I have a vision of a beautiful mosaic vase. I am so excited to see what the future holds as this new thing takes shape.

All the Broken Pieces

As always God blessed me on the trip to and from Malone tonight. I am constantly amazed at how He reaches out to me in the words of songs, even secular ones. As I listened to the songs that came on my Mp3 player as I drove God was saying daughter I'm here and then All the Broken Pieces by Matthew West started to play. Right now I feel I have no more tears to cry but I know God is in control. He called to me through this song and I gave Him the shattered pieces of my vase I know only He can make it whole again. Here are the words...
All the Broken Pieces by Matthew West

Did you feel, feel it break
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost
Feels like your innocence is lost

So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It's like no matter how you try
Perfection's just too far away

So lift them up to Me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

To Me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do

And that's the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways

So lift them up to Me
[ Matthew West Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

To Me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

'Cause I can take even your greatest mistake
Every scar, every tear, every break
And I can turn it into something
More beautiful than you have ever seen

So lift them up to Me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces

All your broken pieces
I'll put them back together, yeah
Are you broken, are you broken?

Just lift them up to Me
All the broken pieces
Give all the broken pieces of your life

To Me, yeah, yeah, yeah
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

Lift them up to Me
Let Me carry you
I will take your pieces
And put them back together

Music-I Am Not Alone

So I'm going to start posting songs that God is using in my life or new favorties or songs that are affecting me at any given time. If you know me well you know that music is a huge part of my life. You also know I'm in a very dark time of life right now. I decided to clean tonight, long yucky to do list. I thought I'd crank the music while I did this, might keep me moving :) First song when I started my player was I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant. Here are the lyrics:

You are here in my heart,
youre the light that guides me through the dark.
You walk beside me,
the night seems cold each time I fall,
Your arms are there to hold.
You walk beside me, giving strength Ive never known.

And I am not alone
You walk beside me.
(I am not alone)

You are here in my mind,
I talk to you and all my fears unwind.
I know Im loved, for who I am,
You make me want to be the best that I can.
And you walk beside me, giving strength Ive never known.

I am not alone,
You walk beside me.
I am not alone
whereever the road leads.

And I rely on your patience,
when I face the unknown.
And because of you, I am...
I am not alone...
I am not alone...oooh
Youre always beside me, yeah, I am not alone.

In the sun, In the rain
through the good times and
in the pain.
Youre always beside me,
I reach out for your hand,
I know that you understand.

Winter to Spring

So yesterday was a very long day for me. This week has been long too. If you've talked to me in the last few months you know that I've felt like I was personally in a "winter" in my life. I've been looking to Spring for oh so many reasons. But we all now how Ohio weather does this time of year record high yesterday of 70s and overnight we dropped 40 degrees to wake up to 30s. As the Ohio weather is in flux so I feel I am at the moment in my life. I've felt like I have one foot in winter and one foot in spring. I decided to share a wall message I received from my friend Jenny sums up where exactly I am in this transition at the moment and encouraged me like you wouldn't believe :). I do covet prayers right now that I can fully lean on God's strength and not my own.

"Hello! I've been thinkin' of you today! Isn't this a great time of year SPRING! It gives hope for the future. It really gives me a LIFT. No matter how dead and frozen things seem, God is in contol. SPRING is around the corner. We cannot do anything to hold it back. Be encouraged! It is hard to have one foot in winter and another stepping toward spring. Hang in there. Be Patient. God will make a way! And he has gone before us. In his whole life on earth Jesus had one foot in Heaven and the other on earth. He knows!"

Human/Animal Bond

The human/animal bond will always be something that amazes me. Working with animals every day allows me to see this up close. The affection an animal holds for it's owner and vise versa is simply something special. We had another euthanasia today, the absolute worst part of my job, a golden retriever with cancer....every part of me ached for them...I've been there. I sit here in tears remembering my Sage. She was the most loyal dog you could ask for. She knew I'd saved her and the love she showed was completely unconditional. I know have another golden, Cassia, who shows this same love and devotion. I've often compared this love in my mind to the love Abba has for us and what we should have for him, he did save us after all. Now that can be a challenge as we all now, but it is never a challenge for our Great Big God. As I'm tossed by the storms raging in my life I feel as though God has manifested his love for us in the creatures He has placed in our care. I am so thankful for them. I think I'll go hug a puppy, the absolute best part of my job.

Exhausted is not even the word for what I'm feeling...

So I have been totally overwhelmed by this weekend... Tomorrow will be my first time leading the Auxiliary...I am truely humbled by being a part of this group let alone being President. I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to sit down and even begin to say what I'm feeling and yet it seems to come tumbling out of me a the strangest times. I get to speak again tomorrow at the convention. I am excited but almost too exhausted to care. I twittered that exhausted does not begin to cover how I'm feeling right now and I still have to put on a suit and high heels and do it one more day. A few hours and things go back to the relative normal. We'll see what the week brings. Sleep is way past due for this body.