Plank Filled Eye

Matthew 7:3 says "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I've heard this verse a million times and Chris August's new song has a line in it that strikes me every time I hear it, "from the painted sky to my plank filled eye, He is God of all, He is everything."  The heart of it is that we as Christians are not to judge others.  It sounds so easy huh? But our humanity doesn't allow it to be easy.  We want to look at others around us and say you're doing this, that or the other when we're doing it ourselves.  It's human to want to deflect blame or point fingers so others don't see who we truly are.    It amazes me that as Christians we want to turn a finger on someone and we forget the old adage, 3 are pointing right back at us.  Sometimes the cause is fear.  What if someone gets close enough to me to discern my internal sins?  Or worse catches on to what I'm doing externally.  Sometimes it's just flat out Satan knowing that the best way to hurt the other person is with judgement. His favorite thing is to isolate us so he can pick us off.   How many times have we heard that someone is doing this that or so and we don't approach, and worse we distance ourselves?  How often are these not true or half true? When the proper response is to pray that God will convict that person in what they are doing or to approach and ask an honest question. I certainly prefer the former, less conflict in that, but that of course is my humanity speaking. 

I've held onto the idea that I don't care what others think about me because no matter what I do they are going to think what they want to think, but honestly it still hurts when I hear something not true or someone makes an assumption and doesn't ask me.  I learned a very painful truth during my divorce, that some people would rather place blame and make assumptions, than love and show the love of Christ.

I try to live by what my Grandpa Vaughan taught me, love others in spite of themselves, show them Jesus by your actions, let them see a difference, and that will be what leads them to the cross.  I apologize to those that I have judged, I cannot promise it won't happen again, but I can promise that I will try to do better.  I'm just a sinner saved by grace trying to strive to be like the Jesus that I serve.  That is the mercy of Grace.

12 Things God Wants Us to Remember

God is for you.
God loves you.
God will guide you.
God will not fail you.
God will be with you.
God will provide for you.
God will bless you.
God will give you rest.
God will strengthen you.
God will answer you.
God will uphold you.
God will keep you.


Not original to me but I need reminded of it continually.  Thought others might as well.

God Leads His Dear Children Along

1. This is a the one song I would consider a family song.  I've been told many a time that this was my Great-Grandmother Vaughan's favorite hymn.  It has been sung in happiness and sorrow.  It has continued to bless every generation of my family.  Me tonight especially.  This last week has been one of sorrow.  We are laying to rest the last of that generation on my grandfather Vaughan's side.  They were all truly great examples of Christ's love, grace, and were servants of the Most High, above all else.  I am so thankful for the heritage I can look back on.  The loved the Lord with a passion.  I see them all as humble servants never wanting recognition.  They worked tirelessly for the Kingdom.  I believe they all heard, "Well done my good and faithful servant."  I pray that I can live a fraction of the life they lived and carry on the tradition of faith.  Their footsteps are huge to fill and they are missed...
2. 
   
3. 
   
4. In shady, green pastures, so rich and so sweet,
   God leads His dear children along;
   Where the water’s cool flow bathes the weary one’s feet,
   God leads His dear children along.
   • Refrain:
     Some through the waters, some through the flood,
     Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
     Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
     In the night season and all the day long.
5. Sometimes on the mount where the sun shines so bright,
   God leads His dear children along;
   Sometimes in the valley, in darkest of night,
   God leads His dear children along.
6. Though sorrows befall us and evils oppose,
   God leads His dear children along;
   Through grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes,
   God leads His dear children along.
7. Away from the mire, and away from the clay,
   God leads His dear children along;
   Away up in glory, eternity’s day,
   God leads His dear children along.

Broken

This is a night where I feel so broken...I wonder if I can ever really be fixed.  I screwed up today for what feels like the zillionth time and I can't seem to make it right.  The pain I'm in is unceasing.  I just want it to stop and the only thing that will take it away is punishing me for what I did.
I hate weeks like these.  I had a mountaintop experience with my spiritual mentor and our group last week and now it feels like nothing has gone right since then.  I want to be under His wing, but it doesn't stop the bad.  He doesn't promise that.  I long for rest...I pray Psalm 91 and read Psalm 139...I want so badly to be able to simply rest under His wing. I sit here and weep for I have no clue how to do this. I read His words over and over...beginning to feel the pull the refuge...

Profound Thoughts

God created you, and he has a plan for you, a plan that leads to your divine
destiny. He has put within you the “right stuff” that can, if you choose to
utilize it, enable you to defy defeat and accomplish that destiny. – (Jer.
29:11) Marilyn Meberg and Luci Swindoll

Wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge

I had to say goodbye to not one but two of my furry children. My sweet Cayenne and Milky Way went to wait for me at the bridge today with their sisters.  Cayenne had a brain tumor that was taking it's toll on her physically and Milky Way had an oral tumor that was inopperable and causing her to be unable to eat.  Over the years, living with a veterinarian and loving these animals, I have come to believe that these animals will be present in our mansions when we arrive in Heaven.  Until we get there though there is an angel with an eternal supply of tennis balls, squeaky toys and furry stuffed mice.  KB and Milk Way I loved you while you were here and will miss you now.   You will never be replaced. 

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Human/Animal Bond--When to Say Goodbye

I'm sadly contemplating sending one of my babies to the rainbow bridge tonight. She's not been acting eight for quite some time, her seizure activity seems to have increased, and now, the worst, she is attacking the other dogs. This is the worst time for a pet owner. Deciding when it is time. The feelings of guilt begin to set in... Then the questions... What should I could I have done diffferently? Was I a good enough pet parent to her? Is this my fault? Should I try to medicate? Should I just let her go? When is too much too much?


Some would say she's just a dog. I would say if you believe that you may not really be my friend. I watch the whole gammit of emotions when this is playing out at the office. Some wail, some cry, some wipe their eyes, some detatch completely. This may be the most difficult part of the human animal bond trying to determine when it's time to let go. Trying to determine how compromised their quality of life actually is. Animals will try to please their owners to the very end, even to the point of attempting to comfort their owner with their final breath. At what point do we owe them the dignity of a quiet death and an end to their suffering? Did I do enough that she knew how much pleasure and joy she brought me during her all to short life?

Your Voice

My head swims. First comes the worry...then I hear the whispers of doubt. They are quiet at first, then they become louder... Then they are screaming. Doubt that I'm loveable, doubt that I'm worthy, doubt that I could ever be loved. I never doubt your love... I merely doubt that anyone could or would ever be willing to love me. When I don't get to hear your voice the doubt comes in to cover the memory of your words. I need you. I need to hear your voice so it can stay above the din. Your voice calms me, it soothes my soul.


Abba I need to hear your voice. Please make it clear. Please make me long for you like I long for my love. Let me ache to hear your voice.

PTSD

Sometimes the PTSD episodes are from the abuse....The worst of it though is from the many times that death almost happened in front of me. Sometimes it's something that happens on a tv show, sometimes it's a sound an actor makes when they are "dying". Other times it can come out of nowhere. It's overwhelming when it does. Something I can't erase is the feeling that you can't stop death when it does come. Those nights and those times when the crashes happened were by far worse and more traumatic for me than any words or actions. I fear that those are the traumas that will follow me. I will never understand why I had to endure such hatred to me and to sacred life.

Fighting

I'm fighting the old demons tonight... The same ones that haunt my dreams are were encircling me.  Casting doubt, desperation, and yes even death around me tonight.  There are pieces that don't fit even still.  So many of the answers to the questions I've been asking for so long will never be answered on this side of heaven.  Learning to accept that is so difficult sometimes.  In the midst of what I'll call a tantrum I was throwing at God I realized something.  The words from the blog of a friend from college came back to me and stopped me in my tracks.  I need to be fighting with God not against Him.  I came face to face with this demon tonight and I believe fighting with not against God we won this battle.  I can even say I felt pushed back as my protector stepped between us as I screamed that the demon had no authority over me. I am weary from this fight. 

Just given this word.....

Isaiah 25 NIV


Praise to the LORD

1 O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness


you have done marvelous things,


things planned long ago.

2 You have made the city a heap of rubble,

the fortified town a ruin,

the foreigners' stronghold a city no more;

it will never be rebuilt.



3 Therefore strong peoples will honor you;

cities of ruthless nations will revere you.



4 You have been a refuge for the poor,


a refuge for the needy in his distress,


a shelter from the storm


and a shade from the heat.

For the breath of the ruthless

is like a storm driving against a wall



5 and like the heat of the desert.

You silence the uproar of foreigners;

as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud,

so the song of the ruthless is stilled.



6 On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare

a feast of rich food for all peoples,

a banquet of aged wine—

the best of meats and the finest of wines.



7 On this mountain he will destroy

the shroud that enfolds all peoples,

the sheet that covers all nations;



8 he will swallow up death forever.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears


from all faces;

he will remove the disgrace of his people

from all the earth.

The LORD has spoken.



9 In that day they will say,

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him, and he saved us.

This is the LORD, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."



10 The hand of the LORD will rest on this mountain;

but Moab will be trampled under him

as straw is trampled down in the manure.



11 They will spread out their hands in it,

as a swimmer spreads out his hands to swim.

God will bring down their pride

despite the cleverness [a] of their hands.



12 He will bring down your high fortified walls

and lay them low;

he will bring them down to the ground,

to the very dust.

My spirit has been grieving all through the night and this morning.  I came home from work early pulled out my Bible with full intentions of reading Ephesians.  I did one of those "let the pages fall open" tricks and this is the passage it opened to.  What a promise that God will wipe away the tears from our faces.

Profound Thoughts

God really does buy back our messes, and He buys them back whether we have blown it or whether it is someone else who has messed up our lives. –Jan Silvious (The 5-Minute Devotional)

Fear

Fear is a powerful motivator after everything that I've been through.  I can be having a wonderful day and fear creeps in. I am in a happy, healthy relationship now but the reality is that fear lingers in the background of everything I do with him even.   That demon that no matter how many times I tell him he has no authority creeps back in and whispers to me how worthless I am and how no one can love the mess that I've become. That stupid ole demon makes me overanalyze everything the people who love me say to me.   I told my best friend recently, "I can fight him on the good days on the bad days he keeps me awake at night listening to his lies." Sometimes it's so hard to silence him.  Counseling can only get you so far.  It's the daily battles we fight for our lives in. 
What does that demon on your shoulder whisper to you? How do you silence him?

A Squared's Story

Our story is one of trusting in God's perfect timing and believing in His perfect plan for our lives.  Adam has been one of my best friends for almost 10 years.  Over those years we laughed A LOT, I cried A LOT, and we've been through it all together.  A mutual friend from college introduced us thinking we'd be perfect for each other.  At that time though the distance and my immaturity lead us to only be friends.  Time marched on.  Life got in the way of seeing each other on a regular basis, but our friendship stayed alive via aim and e-mails.  He listened when I needed an ear through all that I went through.  He waited, he says patiently, for me to grieve and learn to live again. This is where God stepped in, with a little help from my friends.  I wasn't interested in a relationship. I felt as if I needed to wait just a little longer, wait until 2010 arrived and then be open to whatever God had for the next stage of my life. On New Years Day we were sitting at our computers chatting and watching a football game together when he asked me when I was coming to see his new house.  I of course said I would have to look at my calendar and get back to him. We got serious talking about everything we'd been through over the years. At some point it was as if the veil that had been over my eyes all these years was lifted.  I realized all the things I had listed in counseling and to my friends had been there all along.  I of course freaked, said nothing to him and called Sarah.  :)  After some prayer and pushing from talks with friends I decided to go see his new house.  The rest is history, I just wish someone had told me how fun it was to fall in love with your best friend. :)

Tired of Grieving

Today was a rough day....In the span of the last 12 hours I have been informed about 3 separate deaths. 2 were parents of friends from my youth who both lived wonderful lives and fought valiantly against cancer. The third was the death of my cousin's son, who had not yet made it to his second birthday. He lived a life tormented by illness and pain. I admire my cousin's wife Marae, his mother, more than she will likely ever know. To me she models the Proverbs 31 woman in an incredible way. Ezra was adopted but you would never know, nor can you tell which among her many children are not her natural born. I feel so blessed to know this woman.
Today I was challenged; I was shaking my fist at God wanting to know why. Why does He take the good ones, the youngs ones, the ones I love, and leave behind, I'll clump them together as, the awful ones? I know, I know it's all in His plan. I know there are books upon books written about this subject, but at a time like this it makes you a little angry. I've faced a lot of loss and tribulation in my life recently and I'm quite frankly tired of grieving. No, make that exhausted of grieving. A year like I've had makes one have to search high and low for Joy. I've grieved the loss of countless loved ones and the most difficult, the loss of my marriage. My cousin Carl and I spoke for a while at the funeral tonight. He put the answer to my question so simply it brings me to tears. The reason the good ones go and the awful ones stay is because the good ones know God and are ready to meet Him, and God's desire is to have even the awful ones come to him. All we can hope for is that the example that the good ones show will bring about a change in the awful ones lives. Boy talk about convicting me. I have failed miserably in the "pray for my enemies" department this year. It may be one of my biggest challenges. It will likely continue to be a challenge. Thankfully God remains the same good God He always has been and always will be. He loves us even when we shake our fists and scream. He loves us when we fail miserably. He loves us when we can only offer up a "Broken Hallejah."

A hymn from tonight's service seems so appropriate:
Until Then

My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a trail that's winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for awhile;
And things of earth that cause the heart to tremble,
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

This weary world with all its toil and struggle
May take its toll of misery and strife;
The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;
When it's released, it's destined for the skies.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

Gravity

I don't think there are the right words to say why this song has me in it's grip this week. So just the lyrics...

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than
to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am
and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is
that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.

I Am Not Alone

I had tagged this song earlier on Sunday for one that might be good when I was stumped about what song to use. Little did I know it would be the exact song that would minister to my heart in the dark hour that this night became. I am lonely. There just aren't any other words for what I feel. But my Abba met me tonight in that loneliness. He wrapped me in those arms and reminded me that he has promised to not let go. I was on my way to clean my wounds, literally, I fell on the concrete tonight and wiped out a plant :( I'm praying my dad can fix the poor thing tomorrow. I was sobbing and God reminded me "I am NOT alone". Abba you are so good.

I AM NOT ALONE NATALIE GRANT

You're Here
In My Heart
You're the Light
That Guides Me Through The Dark

You Walk Beside Me
The Night Seems Cold
Each Time I Fall
Your Arms Are There To Hold

[Chorus:]You Walk Beside Me
Giving Strength I've Never Known
I Am Not Alone
You Walk Beside Me

You're Here
In My Mind
I talk To You
And All My Fears Unwind
I Know I'm Loved For who I am
You Make Me Wanna Be The Best I can

[Repeat Chorus]

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you
I am not alone

In the sun, In the rain
Through the good times and the pain
I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

[Repeat Chorus]

Welcome to Wherever You Are

So, I'm a day late and it seems a dollar short. I've been watching softball games this week. It brings me such great joy to be called Aunt by Mandie's kids. I've been trying to get some good pictures for their scrapbooks and I think I'm succeeding. :) I got home from Z's game tonight. It was under the lights at 8. Talk about tired kids and parents. This song played on my player while I was talking to a friend. I've said recently that I'm on to a new chapter in life, but I wish I could read the end. This song made me stop and realize that I'm really where I'm supposed to be. Who knew Bon Jovi could be so profound. :) I know Mandie you knew :) and yes I know you love him lol. So here it is

Welcome to Wherever You Are--Bon Jovi
Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running to our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel drowning in a shadow of the dawn
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself not what other people say
When it seems you're lost alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God's make no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far(I say welcome)
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far (welcome)

Dumbfounded

I am actually dumbfounded tonight.

I sat down at my computer to cry and looked at poem that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure where it came from or who the author is, but it is so fitting.

Help me remember, Lord,
that, like the seasons of the year
life brings continuous growth
and changes.
As long as I remember that,
I can look with expectancy
to all that lies ahead.
I can rest in the assurance
that You are in control
of the seasons of my life.
-Unknown

Whatever You're Doing

This song has kinda been my theme song since everything went crazy almost a year ago. I had so much going on in my head and no idea how to deal with even a smidgen of it by myself. God has been so good. I'm heading into a new chapter of my life. It's definitely time for healing and to move on. :)

Whatever You’re Doing
by Sanctus Real
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but I believe …

You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out