Human/Animal Bond--When to Say Goodbye

I'm sadly contemplating sending one of my babies to the rainbow bridge tonight. She's not been acting eight for quite some time, her seizure activity seems to have increased, and now, the worst, she is attacking the other dogs. This is the worst time for a pet owner. Deciding when it is time. The feelings of guilt begin to set in... Then the questions... What should I could I have done diffferently? Was I a good enough pet parent to her? Is this my fault? Should I try to medicate? Should I just let her go? When is too much too much?


Some would say she's just a dog. I would say if you believe that you may not really be my friend. I watch the whole gammit of emotions when this is playing out at the office. Some wail, some cry, some wipe their eyes, some detatch completely. This may be the most difficult part of the human animal bond trying to determine when it's time to let go. Trying to determine how compromised their quality of life actually is. Animals will try to please their owners to the very end, even to the point of attempting to comfort their owner with their final breath. At what point do we owe them the dignity of a quiet death and an end to their suffering? Did I do enough that she knew how much pleasure and joy she brought me during her all to short life?

Your Voice

My head swims. First comes the worry...then I hear the whispers of doubt. They are quiet at first, then they become louder... Then they are screaming. Doubt that I'm loveable, doubt that I'm worthy, doubt that I could ever be loved. I never doubt your love... I merely doubt that anyone could or would ever be willing to love me. When I don't get to hear your voice the doubt comes in to cover the memory of your words. I need you. I need to hear your voice so it can stay above the din. Your voice calms me, it soothes my soul.


Abba I need to hear your voice. Please make it clear. Please make me long for you like I long for my love. Let me ache to hear your voice.

PTSD

Sometimes the PTSD episodes are from the abuse....The worst of it though is from the many times that death almost happened in front of me. Sometimes it's something that happens on a tv show, sometimes it's a sound an actor makes when they are "dying". Other times it can come out of nowhere. It's overwhelming when it does. Something I can't erase is the feeling that you can't stop death when it does come. Those nights and those times when the crashes happened were by far worse and more traumatic for me than any words or actions. I fear that those are the traumas that will follow me. I will never understand why I had to endure such hatred to me and to sacred life.

Fighting

I'm fighting the old demons tonight... The same ones that haunt my dreams are were encircling me.  Casting doubt, desperation, and yes even death around me tonight.  There are pieces that don't fit even still.  So many of the answers to the questions I've been asking for so long will never be answered on this side of heaven.  Learning to accept that is so difficult sometimes.  In the midst of what I'll call a tantrum I was throwing at God I realized something.  The words from the blog of a friend from college came back to me and stopped me in my tracks.  I need to be fighting with God not against Him.  I came face to face with this demon tonight and I believe fighting with not against God we won this battle.  I can even say I felt pushed back as my protector stepped between us as I screamed that the demon had no authority over me. I am weary from this fight. 

Just given this word.....

Isaiah 25 NIV


Praise to the LORD

1 O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness


you have done marvelous things,


things planned long ago.

2 You have made the city a heap of rubble,

the fortified town a ruin,

the foreigners' stronghold a city no more;

it will never be rebuilt.



3 Therefore strong peoples will honor you;

cities of ruthless nations will revere you.



4 You have been a refuge for the poor,


a refuge for the needy in his distress,


a shelter from the storm


and a shade from the heat.

For the breath of the ruthless

is like a storm driving against a wall



5 and like the heat of the desert.

You silence the uproar of foreigners;

as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud,

so the song of the ruthless is stilled.



6 On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare

a feast of rich food for all peoples,

a banquet of aged wine—

the best of meats and the finest of wines.



7 On this mountain he will destroy

the shroud that enfolds all peoples,

the sheet that covers all nations;



8 he will swallow up death forever.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears


from all faces;

he will remove the disgrace of his people

from all the earth.

The LORD has spoken.



9 In that day they will say,

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him, and he saved us.

This is the LORD, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."



10 The hand of the LORD will rest on this mountain;

but Moab will be trampled under him

as straw is trampled down in the manure.



11 They will spread out their hands in it,

as a swimmer spreads out his hands to swim.

God will bring down their pride

despite the cleverness [a] of their hands.



12 He will bring down your high fortified walls

and lay them low;

he will bring them down to the ground,

to the very dust.

My spirit has been grieving all through the night and this morning.  I came home from work early pulled out my Bible with full intentions of reading Ephesians.  I did one of those "let the pages fall open" tricks and this is the passage it opened to.  What a promise that God will wipe away the tears from our faces.

Profound Thoughts

God really does buy back our messes, and He buys them back whether we have blown it or whether it is someone else who has messed up our lives. –Jan Silvious (The 5-Minute Devotional)

Fear

Fear is a powerful motivator after everything that I've been through.  I can be having a wonderful day and fear creeps in. I am in a happy, healthy relationship now but the reality is that fear lingers in the background of everything I do with him even.   That demon that no matter how many times I tell him he has no authority creeps back in and whispers to me how worthless I am and how no one can love the mess that I've become. That stupid ole demon makes me overanalyze everything the people who love me say to me.   I told my best friend recently, "I can fight him on the good days on the bad days he keeps me awake at night listening to his lies." Sometimes it's so hard to silence him.  Counseling can only get you so far.  It's the daily battles we fight for our lives in. 
What does that demon on your shoulder whisper to you? How do you silence him?