Fighting

I'm fighting the old demons tonight... The same ones that haunt my dreams are were encircling me.  Casting doubt, desperation, and yes even death around me tonight.  There are pieces that don't fit even still.  So many of the answers to the questions I've been asking for so long will never be answered on this side of heaven.  Learning to accept that is so difficult sometimes.  In the midst of what I'll call a tantrum I was throwing at God I realized something.  The words from the blog of a friend from college came back to me and stopped me in my tracks.  I need to be fighting with God not against Him.  I came face to face with this demon tonight and I believe fighting with not against God we won this battle.  I can even say I felt pushed back as my protector stepped between us as I screamed that the demon had no authority over me. I am weary from this fight. 

Just given this word.....

Isaiah 25 NIV


Praise to the LORD

1 O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness


you have done marvelous things,


things planned long ago.

2 You have made the city a heap of rubble,

the fortified town a ruin,

the foreigners' stronghold a city no more;

it will never be rebuilt.



3 Therefore strong peoples will honor you;

cities of ruthless nations will revere you.



4 You have been a refuge for the poor,


a refuge for the needy in his distress,


a shelter from the storm


and a shade from the heat.

For the breath of the ruthless

is like a storm driving against a wall



5 and like the heat of the desert.

You silence the uproar of foreigners;

as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud,

so the song of the ruthless is stilled.



6 On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare

a feast of rich food for all peoples,

a banquet of aged wine—

the best of meats and the finest of wines.



7 On this mountain he will destroy

the shroud that enfolds all peoples,

the sheet that covers all nations;



8 he will swallow up death forever.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears


from all faces;

he will remove the disgrace of his people

from all the earth.

The LORD has spoken.



9 In that day they will say,

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him, and he saved us.

This is the LORD, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."



10 The hand of the LORD will rest on this mountain;

but Moab will be trampled under him

as straw is trampled down in the manure.



11 They will spread out their hands in it,

as a swimmer spreads out his hands to swim.

God will bring down their pride

despite the cleverness [a] of their hands.



12 He will bring down your high fortified walls

and lay them low;

he will bring them down to the ground,

to the very dust.

My spirit has been grieving all through the night and this morning.  I came home from work early pulled out my Bible with full intentions of reading Ephesians.  I did one of those "let the pages fall open" tricks and this is the passage it opened to.  What a promise that God will wipe away the tears from our faces.

Profound Thoughts

God really does buy back our messes, and He buys them back whether we have blown it or whether it is someone else who has messed up our lives. –Jan Silvious (The 5-Minute Devotional)

Fear

Fear is a powerful motivator after everything that I've been through.  I can be having a wonderful day and fear creeps in. I am in a happy, healthy relationship now but the reality is that fear lingers in the background of everything I do with him even.   That demon that no matter how many times I tell him he has no authority creeps back in and whispers to me how worthless I am and how no one can love the mess that I've become. That stupid ole demon makes me overanalyze everything the people who love me say to me.   I told my best friend recently, "I can fight him on the good days on the bad days he keeps me awake at night listening to his lies." Sometimes it's so hard to silence him.  Counseling can only get you so far.  It's the daily battles we fight for our lives in. 
What does that demon on your shoulder whisper to you? How do you silence him?

A Squared's Story

Our story is one of trusting in God's perfect timing and believing in His perfect plan for our lives.  Adam has been one of my best friends for almost 10 years.  Over those years we laughed A LOT, I cried A LOT, and we've been through it all together.  A mutual friend from college introduced us thinking we'd be perfect for each other.  At that time though the distance and my immaturity lead us to only be friends.  Time marched on.  Life got in the way of seeing each other on a regular basis, but our friendship stayed alive via aim and e-mails.  He listened when I needed an ear through all that I went through.  He waited, he says patiently, for me to grieve and learn to live again. This is where God stepped in, with a little help from my friends.  I wasn't interested in a relationship. I felt as if I needed to wait just a little longer, wait until 2010 arrived and then be open to whatever God had for the next stage of my life. On New Years Day we were sitting at our computers chatting and watching a football game together when he asked me when I was coming to see his new house.  I of course said I would have to look at my calendar and get back to him. We got serious talking about everything we'd been through over the years. At some point it was as if the veil that had been over my eyes all these years was lifted.  I realized all the things I had listed in counseling and to my friends had been there all along.  I of course freaked, said nothing to him and called Sarah.  :)  After some prayer and pushing from talks with friends I decided to go see his new house.  The rest is history, I just wish someone had told me how fun it was to fall in love with your best friend. :)

Tired of Grieving

Today was a rough day....In the span of the last 12 hours I have been informed about 3 separate deaths. 2 were parents of friends from my youth who both lived wonderful lives and fought valiantly against cancer. The third was the death of my cousin's son, who had not yet made it to his second birthday. He lived a life tormented by illness and pain. I admire my cousin's wife Marae, his mother, more than she will likely ever know. To me she models the Proverbs 31 woman in an incredible way. Ezra was adopted but you would never know, nor can you tell which among her many children are not her natural born. I feel so blessed to know this woman.
Today I was challenged; I was shaking my fist at God wanting to know why. Why does He take the good ones, the youngs ones, the ones I love, and leave behind, I'll clump them together as, the awful ones? I know, I know it's all in His plan. I know there are books upon books written about this subject, but at a time like this it makes you a little angry. I've faced a lot of loss and tribulation in my life recently and I'm quite frankly tired of grieving. No, make that exhausted of grieving. A year like I've had makes one have to search high and low for Joy. I've grieved the loss of countless loved ones and the most difficult, the loss of my marriage. My cousin Carl and I spoke for a while at the funeral tonight. He put the answer to my question so simply it brings me to tears. The reason the good ones go and the awful ones stay is because the good ones know God and are ready to meet Him, and God's desire is to have even the awful ones come to him. All we can hope for is that the example that the good ones show will bring about a change in the awful ones lives. Boy talk about convicting me. I have failed miserably in the "pray for my enemies" department this year. It may be one of my biggest challenges. It will likely continue to be a challenge. Thankfully God remains the same good God He always has been and always will be. He loves us even when we shake our fists and scream. He loves us when we fail miserably. He loves us when we can only offer up a "Broken Hallejah."

A hymn from tonight's service seems so appropriate:
Until Then

My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a trail that's winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for awhile;
And things of earth that cause the heart to tremble,
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

This weary world with all its toil and struggle
May take its toll of misery and strife;
The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;
When it's released, it's destined for the skies.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

Gravity

I don't think there are the right words to say why this song has me in it's grip this week. So just the lyrics...

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than
to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am
and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is
that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.