Your Voice

My head swims. First comes the worry...then I hear the whispers of doubt. They are quiet at first, then they become louder... Then they are screaming. Doubt that I'm loveable, doubt that I'm worthy, doubt that I could ever be loved. I never doubt your love... I merely doubt that anyone could or would ever be willing to love me. When I don't get to hear your voice the doubt comes in to cover the memory of your words. I need you. I need to hear your voice so it can stay above the din. Your voice calms me, it soothes my soul.


Abba I need to hear your voice. Please make it clear. Please make me long for you like I long for my love. Let me ache to hear your voice.

PTSD

Sometimes the PTSD episodes are from the abuse....The worst of it though is from the many times that death almost happened in front of me. Sometimes it's something that happens on a tv show, sometimes it's a sound an actor makes when they are "dying". Other times it can come out of nowhere. It's overwhelming when it does. Something I can't erase is the feeling that you can't stop death when it does come. Those nights and those times when the crashes happened were by far worse and more traumatic for me than any words or actions. I fear that those are the traumas that will follow me. I will never understand why I had to endure such hatred to me and to sacred life.

Fighting

I'm fighting the old demons tonight... The same ones that haunt my dreams are were encircling me.  Casting doubt, desperation, and yes even death around me tonight.  There are pieces that don't fit even still.  So many of the answers to the questions I've been asking for so long will never be answered on this side of heaven.  Learning to accept that is so difficult sometimes.  In the midst of what I'll call a tantrum I was throwing at God I realized something.  The words from the blog of a friend from college came back to me and stopped me in my tracks.  I need to be fighting with God not against Him.  I came face to face with this demon tonight and I believe fighting with not against God we won this battle.  I can even say I felt pushed back as my protector stepped between us as I screamed that the demon had no authority over me. I am weary from this fight.