I'm at a loss right now...
I'm at a loss to understand why so many people seem unhappy when I say that I'm doing really well with all of this. I'm also at a loss when they chastise me and act like I don't understand the ramifications of it. This was not my choice this was his. I know that this is not what God wants to happen with a marriage, but I do honestly believe I am continuing in HIS will for me. I didn't make the choices. I didn't want this. Therefore I believe that I can be in God's will even though I am choosing to release myself from this marriage. I believe God is in this and is walking with me through it. I believe that HE has some big things for me. I believe HE can use this for HIS glory.
I knew that when this broke people would disapprove of how I was responding to it. I know that there are people who think that divorce is wrong no matter what the circumstance. I didn't however expect to be treated like a child. I know what a marriage vow means, I took the words I said very seriously, he did not. What people do not want to hear is when I say I never had a marriage. They do not want to hear that my marriage was a fraud. That I lost him not to death, but to a disease, to selfishness, to his choices. I believe his commitment was only to let me be a live-in nurse to him. He left our marriage before it ever started. I have chosen not to go into gory details with anyone but my very closest friends. I try to express how sick he was/is and they do not want to take the time to listen and understand. This disappoints me in ways I cannot even begin to express.
I however have been blessed with people who support me in every aspect. Even a few who know me well enough to know this is a well thought out choice and must be necessary if I am heading down this miserable road. I had thought at one point that the people who have been the worst to me knew me that well. I have learned through this experience that I AM LOVED. PERIOD. There is no longer any way I can doubt that fact. I am loved by God, my family, and so many friends. God has given me some Sisters that I could not have ever picked. I AM BLESSED. God never let me believe that I wasn't HIS daughter. I never doubted HIS love for me. HIS grace has been overwhelming to me. THIS IS HOW I CAN BE DOING SO WELL. This is where my strength and my joy are coming from. This is how I can take my next breath. I am ever so greatful for those who have walked me through this when it was breath by breath, then moved to day by day, to week by week and now I am month to month and I know that with more of GOD's grace and love it will soon be year by year. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Whole new level...
I am frustrated on a whole new level and trying to trust God through it all.
I was so thankful to see this come across on twitter yesterday. "RT @FlowerDust: The joy of the Lord is great strength. You may feel weak. Disappointed. Uncertain. Find your strength in his joy. it's more than enough!" Wow what a promise.
I had a second appointment with my orthopedic surgeon today and I'm discouraged by what the doc had to say. It doesn't look very good no matter what way I go. I wish I'd had mom there, I think she would have had some better questions. For anyone reading who doesn't know my mother has had 6 total knee replacements.
First, We are going to continue therapy and make my leg stronger.
Second, I will see a new doctor, who's name I can't pronounce, so I'm calling him Dr. Oxymoron because he's an orthopedic surgeon who doesn't do surgery. We're going to see if he has any ideas for alternative therapies that might work for me. Dr. W wanted to try this option first because the next option is not fun.
There are a few surgical options, however only one doesn't require a lot of rehab. The easiest would be to go in arthroscopically and clean off the back of my knee cap. I'd still have to work to do in physical therapy but only really be down for a few days.I vote for this of course.
With the second more aggressive surgery he can go in and do a lateral release like he did 10 years ago. That surgery failed within 3 or 4 years, so I don't' like my odds with that.
We discussed doing the most extreme thing but also what looks like it might be most successful at this point, which is what they jokingly call a button on the back of my kneecap. True term for the surgery is a partial knee replacement. I wanted to cry. But lets not do this half-way is what I'm thinking.
So I see Dr. Oxymoron hopefully next week and see if he has any realistic ideas. If not we proceed with the not so fun route. I guess I wait and see and pray. I'm trying to be positive and then I look at mom's scars and that kinda goes down the tubes.
All in all I'm just tired and don't know how much more I can take. I had a break down last week and I honestly don't feel much better than I did then. This is a strange kind of frustrated and I just want to move on with life right now and am stalled out. I know God has big plans for me but I want them revealed now! (Stomping my feet like a 2 year-old :) Patience has never really been one of my virtues. :)
I covet prayers as I continue down this rough road. Don't worry I still know God is good. He is still my shelter in this seemingly never-ending storm. I just want a little more sunshine :)
I was so thankful to see this come across on twitter yesterday. "RT @FlowerDust: The joy of the Lord is great strength. You may feel weak. Disappointed. Uncertain. Find your strength in his joy. it's more than enough!" Wow what a promise.
I had a second appointment with my orthopedic surgeon today and I'm discouraged by what the doc had to say. It doesn't look very good no matter what way I go. I wish I'd had mom there, I think she would have had some better questions. For anyone reading who doesn't know my mother has had 6 total knee replacements.
First, We are going to continue therapy and make my leg stronger.
Second, I will see a new doctor, who's name I can't pronounce, so I'm calling him Dr. Oxymoron because he's an orthopedic surgeon who doesn't do surgery. We're going to see if he has any ideas for alternative therapies that might work for me. Dr. W wanted to try this option first because the next option is not fun.
There are a few surgical options, however only one doesn't require a lot of rehab. The easiest would be to go in arthroscopically and clean off the back of my knee cap. I'd still have to work to do in physical therapy but only really be down for a few days.I vote for this of course.
With the second more aggressive surgery he can go in and do a lateral release like he did 10 years ago. That surgery failed within 3 or 4 years, so I don't' like my odds with that.
We discussed doing the most extreme thing but also what looks like it might be most successful at this point, which is what they jokingly call a button on the back of my kneecap. True term for the surgery is a partial knee replacement. I wanted to cry. But lets not do this half-way is what I'm thinking.
So I see Dr. Oxymoron hopefully next week and see if he has any realistic ideas. If not we proceed with the not so fun route. I guess I wait and see and pray. I'm trying to be positive and then I look at mom's scars and that kinda goes down the tubes.
All in all I'm just tired and don't know how much more I can take. I had a break down last week and I honestly don't feel much better than I did then. This is a strange kind of frustrated and I just want to move on with life right now and am stalled out. I know God has big plans for me but I want them revealed now! (Stomping my feet like a 2 year-old :) Patience has never really been one of my virtues. :)
I covet prayers as I continue down this rough road. Don't worry I still know God is good. He is still my shelter in this seemingly never-ending storm. I just want a little more sunshine :)
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