Tired of Grieving

Today was a rough day....In the span of the last 12 hours I have been informed about 3 separate deaths. 2 were parents of friends from my youth who both lived wonderful lives and fought valiantly against cancer. The third was the death of my cousin's son, who had not yet made it to his second birthday. He lived a life tormented by illness and pain. I admire my cousin's wife Marae, his mother, more than she will likely ever know. To me she models the Proverbs 31 woman in an incredible way. Ezra was adopted but you would never know, nor can you tell which among her many children are not her natural born. I feel so blessed to know this woman.
Today I was challenged; I was shaking my fist at God wanting to know why. Why does He take the good ones, the youngs ones, the ones I love, and leave behind, I'll clump them together as, the awful ones? I know, I know it's all in His plan. I know there are books upon books written about this subject, but at a time like this it makes you a little angry. I've faced a lot of loss and tribulation in my life recently and I'm quite frankly tired of grieving. No, make that exhausted of grieving. A year like I've had makes one have to search high and low for Joy. I've grieved the loss of countless loved ones and the most difficult, the loss of my marriage. My cousin Carl and I spoke for a while at the funeral tonight. He put the answer to my question so simply it brings me to tears. The reason the good ones go and the awful ones stay is because the good ones know God and are ready to meet Him, and God's desire is to have even the awful ones come to him. All we can hope for is that the example that the good ones show will bring about a change in the awful ones lives. Boy talk about convicting me. I have failed miserably in the "pray for my enemies" department this year. It may be one of my biggest challenges. It will likely continue to be a challenge. Thankfully God remains the same good God He always has been and always will be. He loves us even when we shake our fists and scream. He loves us when we fail miserably. He loves us when we can only offer up a "Broken Hallejah."

A hymn from tonight's service seems so appropriate:
Until Then

My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heartache here is but a stepping stone
Along a trail that's winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

The things of earth will dim and lose their value
If we recall they're borrowed for awhile;
And things of earth that cause the heart to tremble,
Remembered there will only bring a smile.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

This weary world with all its toil and struggle
May take its toll of misery and strife;
The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;
When it's released, it's destined for the skies.

Chorus
But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I'll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home.

Gravity

I don't think there are the right words to say why this song has me in it's grip this week. So just the lyrics...

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than
to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free,
leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am
and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is
that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.

I Am Not Alone

I had tagged this song earlier on Sunday for one that might be good when I was stumped about what song to use. Little did I know it would be the exact song that would minister to my heart in the dark hour that this night became. I am lonely. There just aren't any other words for what I feel. But my Abba met me tonight in that loneliness. He wrapped me in those arms and reminded me that he has promised to not let go. I was on my way to clean my wounds, literally, I fell on the concrete tonight and wiped out a plant :( I'm praying my dad can fix the poor thing tomorrow. I was sobbing and God reminded me "I am NOT alone". Abba you are so good.

I AM NOT ALONE NATALIE GRANT

You're Here
In My Heart
You're the Light
That Guides Me Through The Dark

You Walk Beside Me
The Night Seems Cold
Each Time I Fall
Your Arms Are There To Hold

[Chorus:]You Walk Beside Me
Giving Strength I've Never Known
I Am Not Alone
You Walk Beside Me

You're Here
In My Mind
I talk To You
And All My Fears Unwind
I Know I'm Loved For who I am
You Make Me Wanna Be The Best I can

[Repeat Chorus]

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you
I am not alone

In the sun, In the rain
Through the good times and the pain
I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

[Repeat Chorus]

Welcome to Wherever You Are

So, I'm a day late and it seems a dollar short. I've been watching softball games this week. It brings me such great joy to be called Aunt by Mandie's kids. I've been trying to get some good pictures for their scrapbooks and I think I'm succeeding. :) I got home from Z's game tonight. It was under the lights at 8. Talk about tired kids and parents. This song played on my player while I was talking to a friend. I've said recently that I'm on to a new chapter in life, but I wish I could read the end. This song made me stop and realize that I'm really where I'm supposed to be. Who knew Bon Jovi could be so profound. :) I know Mandie you knew :) and yes I know you love him lol. So here it is

Welcome to Wherever You Are--Bon Jovi
Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running to our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel drowning in a shadow of the dawn
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself not what other people say
When it seems you're lost alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God's make no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far(I say welcome)
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far (welcome)

Dumbfounded

I am actually dumbfounded tonight.

I sat down at my computer to cry and looked at poem that has been with me for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure where it came from or who the author is, but it is so fitting.

Help me remember, Lord,
that, like the seasons of the year
life brings continuous growth
and changes.
As long as I remember that,
I can look with expectancy
to all that lies ahead.
I can rest in the assurance
that You are in control
of the seasons of my life.
-Unknown

Whatever You're Doing

This song has kinda been my theme song since everything went crazy almost a year ago. I had so much going on in my head and no idea how to deal with even a smidgen of it by myself. God has been so good. I'm heading into a new chapter of my life. It's definitely time for healing and to move on. :)

Whatever You’re Doing
by Sanctus Real
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but I believe …

You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Fire

I can honestly say there is nothing more relaxing nothing more fun, than to sit around a fire with good friends. I had the best time tonight talking and laughing. I love the people God has placed in my life. I am so thankful for them.

Have you told those people in your life how much you appreciate them recently?